Babe, could you help me with this thing here please? Could you help me put the laundry away? Could you please help me with dinner?
Some houses get that. True to our form, for us it’s more of a passive-aggressive note of “so, guess we’re not hoovering this week either”, or “should I go buy paper plates so we’ll have something to eat out of?” But I very rarely ask my husband to help, purely and simply because I don’t want him to help.
Before you go on a tirade though, let’s make it known that I’m all up in that feminist agenda. You see, too often, the female in the relationship ends up in a situation where getting other people to do the household chores become a question of asking for help. And there are men out there who perpetuate the myth. Case in point. It’s an archaic model of a house and home where the female would stay in the house all day, taking care of the children and ensuring the household was taken care of. The male would go out for the bacon and come home at sundown, to be pampered by his beloved.
But this is the 21st century. Us ladyfolk can now go out and do things like vote, wear trousers and get jobs. The home, our kids and our husbands are no longer the be-all and end-all of our existence, but we *gasp* have lives outside of the bricks and mortar that used to enslave us. We work as hard (if not harder. Because, you know, 80p to the £1.) as the men do, and we are afforded the luxury of quasi-equality.
So I’m just going to say this once. No, there is nothing you can do to help. Because it’s not about helping. You live here too. Keeping the house clean and food on the table isn’t MY job, it’s not up to me to make sure the household is running smoothly. I work the same amount of hours as you do and spend as much time in the house as you do. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do everything. So, why would it be up to me to clean your shit up?
You are an adult, a fully grown human being. It is your responsibility that you live like one. You have the ability to cook, and you have two functional hands than can lift things up off the floor. So use them. We will divide the tasks almost equally so you have your tasks (the ones I don’t like. Like washing the dishes, hoovering and general spider-catching.) and I have mine, and I will nag at gently remind you about getting things done if you forget. But in my marriage vows I did not promise to forever treat you like a child, your mother didn’t pass me the golden diaper of your childhood to uphold, and I sure as heck didn’t sign up to be your keeper.
Every time I see a male partner being praised for being a “good husband” and a “great partner” for doing work around the house, I cringe a little. A father is commended when he changes a dirty diaper and adored if he holds a bottle for a feed. Yet when a woman gets up a 4 am for the 5th feed of the night, she gets but a shrug of the shoulders. She grew that thing, shouldn’t she get a break? Isn’t it the man’s job to do some work now? SHE GREW A HUMAN BEING! What did you do? We’ve moved so far from when women were considered the property of the men in their lives, so why are we still so hung up on men “helping” around the house, men “helping” with the children? Surely as equal partners, it is a shared duty to ensure everything runs smoothly?
*disclaimer: my husband was brought up surrounded by three strong women and then further educated in a boarding school, learning independence from an early age. He might be forgetful and absolutely atrocious at dusting, but he knows it’s all about that 50/50 life. This isn’t about him, it’s a compilation of writings I have seen around. Out of the two of us, he’s the feminist.
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My husband is pretty good he helps with the little one and things around the house although that part is more if I ask.
Amen to this! You could not be more right, it should never be can I help but just getting on with as a general day to day activity. It might not be fun but it has to be done, took the words right out of my mouth
Oh I love this post SO Much!!! I thought it was going down a totally different avenue, but this was just brilliant.
Couldn’t have said it better myself
I think what ever is right for you is the right choice!
So glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s ridiculous how much we praise men for doing basic things. Like well done for being a decent human being? Do you want a cookie?
I completely agree with this. My husband has to get up with the baby, do the ironing and clean the house if it needs it, the same as I do.
interesting post! 50-50 is something i go for. i’d get annoyed if i have to do everything.
YES!!! What an awesome post!! I’m so with you there! My husband and I just naturally do the housework together, its never been an issue with one dropping off and not helping, we both live here, we both make mess and we both know how to clean and tidy our shit up. Gender doesn’t determine if you’re capable or incapable of cleaning!
This is a really interesting post. My husband does most of our chores, not because I ask him to, but due to me having so many health issues and being unable to a lot of the time.
Love this post! We share the chores in our house and dont really notice if one does more than the other as we both do just as much xxx
Everything tends to be fairly equal in our household but see your point! My mummy hates ironing!
Many years ago I explained to my husband that taking care of our home was just as much his responsibility as mine. He was offered the choice of learning to cook or learning to clean. There have been a few inedible meals along the way but he is a very good cook these days.
Completely agree with this! My brother wasn’t raised to do this and I definitely wouldn’t raise a son to expect his partner to do everything for him either – it should always be 50/50 x
nice piece. I live by myself so I’ve never faced this kind of thing.
I love this! My husband and I both work from home, so we both do our fair share and no one expects the other to do anything.
I totally agree with you. My dad is great as he does things at home without being asked so my mum doesn’t need to ask for help. But she’s one of the lucky few x
I’m glad hubby is very hands-on and he does most of the things around the house as he gets home from work earlier than me! 🙂
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I definitely want everyone in my house to do their part. “Helping” does seem to imply that it’s primarily one person’s job which is unfair unless it was agreed upon.
Yaaaaas Amen to that! What about the praise for mothers when they are nursing kids all day? What thanks do they get?
I must say it was an interestiing post to ready, I am for 50/50 and not because I have to force him but because he wants to help too
What a fab post! It gives you lots to think about 🙂 such good points. A woman isn’t praised when she does the same!
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I think it’s important to do what’s best for you and for each individual couple xx
Such a great post! I think it’s all about balance – we try and support each other and be realistic in the amounts we do. If I’m on break from school and he’s pulling crazy hours that week, I’ll do more. If I’m up to my ears with work and he can head in a little later some days and do some laundry first, fab. And if we’re both knackered and working too hard, hurrah for Dominos!
I would say ti should be 50-50 but not in out house, it is definitely 90-10 in my favour of I just do it without thinking x
I do a lot of the chores, but that is because I am home more often. When my other half was home more than I was he did the chores. It is definitely about getting the right balance and also what works for you both too.
We just want to get the stuff out of the way so we can go hiking, so it always gets done somewhere or the other! 😀
Absolutely love this post, you make fantastic points and I wish more people had these opinions! 🙂
My other half does some things and I do somethings, sometimes I find if he tries to help as I have my “way” of doing hings it just makes it harder. x
I think it’s definitely 50-50 too. Why should it all be looked upon for the woman to do, you make a mess, clean up after yourself if you’re fully capable. I wouldn’t stand for no slob around me lol – nope, live in your own filth but not around me.