Screw Tinder, bring back Classifieds

BBW, 30 looking for a M, 5’11+ with GSOH, preferably with a gaggle of puppies. No NSA, long-term only. Waiting for your reply!

©Caro Wallis

Not that I’m in the market for a new partner. But if I were, I’d be so confused and in all honesty disappointed with the likes of Tinder, Bumble and ba-don’t.

In the modern society of instant gratification, it’s so easy to get laid. (I’m all about talking in real terms here) You don’t need to get out of your comfypants as it’s all at your fingertips. There you are, sitting on your sofa, chocolate crumbs all down your front, hair unwashed for the 3rd day in a row. But you can still find dates. All you do is take your pick of your prettiest selfies, upload them (or is that how it works? Does it just transfer your Facebook across? Can you tell I haven’t dated in the modern society…) and get swiping. You see a piece of man/ladymeat that you like and you make your choice. Kiss, marry, avoid. None of this “getting to know each other” business, spending hours anticipating, exchanging messages, eagerly awaiting for that all-important first picture. You already know what they look like, you already know they like you. All you have to do is decide where, and when.

I think we need to properly bring back Lonely Hearts/Desperately seeking classified in newspapers. Sure, some local newspapers still run these, but they’re just not as popular as they really should be. But I just love them. You have a whole array of people, all trying to find that special someone (or someones), all piled neatly together on one page, in a neat grid of tiny 1×1″ boxes.

At work whenever I wait until the Flavia machine fills my cup with whatever swill I’ve decided to have next, I stand there, flicking through the newspaper of the day. Every time I stop and read the lonely hearts section. It seems like either those people are all top of the class when it comes to finding a partner, or just great at lying. Love for travel, hiking, good wine and music gets mentioned in most of the ads. If you’re just looking for a bonk, it’s marked as “NSA”. Even then, if you’re looking for No Strings Attached, surely starting out in letters isn’t the best way of doing it? I mean, how little strings can you have in order to send letters back and forth, trying to organise a meetup?

I never really did any dating of any kind. I’d get to know the person first and then just kind of drift into a relationship. I had a profile up on match.com for like a month, but just found it too seedy. But I remember putting up pen pal adverts back in the day. You’d write the shortest bio of yourself, send it away hopefully and then just sit there, hoping that someone out there liked the essence of what you are and took the time to write back. There was the anticipation, the intense fear & hope that out there is someone who thinks you’re just swell (yeah, I’m going old-school with the verbiage!). You’d run up to the post box every day, full of excitement. And then one day it’d happen. There’d be an envelope there, just for you. Some people wrote just a few lines, some people took the time to re-write war & peace. And you’d go through every single letter with equal care. You read the words this complete stranger scribbled onto the page, and you’d analyze every single stroke of the pen, from the ink to the pressure used to form the letters. If your pen pal was particularly creative, they’d decorate the letters with little scribbles, stickers and glitter. Or maybe the writing was super neat, a bit square and very regimented? Every single detail could mean something, and that was just the best.

That’s how I see lonely hearts. And that’s how I want them. Not Tinder with just the aubergine & peach emojis back to back. Because what’s the fun in that?

What’s your preferred method of dating?